Warning | danger | Steel Panther in the house over 18 only interview
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This is where we at The Rockpit start to ask the real big, hard, juicy questions
(just getting into character there)
Over to you Todd…
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Todd jolicoeur talks to Satchel and Stix from Steel Panther about major philosophical topics…well maybe.
SATCHEL: Buddy.
STIX: Yeah, let’s do this.
SATCHEL: You want me to sit down?
TODDSTAR: Have a seat man.
SATCHEL: You need anything while we do this interview?
STIX: No, I’m good.
SATCHEL: Okay.
STIX: Wait a sec. I want to do the first shot.
SATCHEL: That’s o.k. man, I’ll just hang out. I understand. No seriously let’s do this shit. That’s a bad ass shirt man, I like it.
TODDSTAR: Thank you.
STIX: What’s your name?
TODDSTAR: I’m Todd. I’m with The Rockpit.
STIX: I love The Rockpit.
SATCHEL: That’s bad ass.
STIX: The Rockpits’ very respected.
SATCHEL: Fuck yeah it is.
TODDSTAR: Thank you. Actually, we were the first ones… I got our review out to your publicist and we were the first one to get one on the web.
SATCHEL: Awesome.
STIX: Bitchin’. That’s cool. You guys, thank you.
TODDSTAR: We had to get it out there.
STIX: So you like the record?
TODDSTAR: Love the record.
STIX: Want to sit down dude, for real? Have a seat.
TODDSTAR: No that’s good. I sit all day. Here’s the thing, I’m a fucking accountant living my dream with you guys right now. That’s my day gig.
SATCHEL: We’ll fucking answer anything you want to know dude, any fucking question.
TODDSTAR: Cool.
STIX: I have some tour sheets I need accounted.
TODDSTAR: I’m sure you do.
SATCHEL: Dude, don’t do that to him.
STIX: I’m sorry Todd.
SATCHEL: I do too actually. Not really – cash only.
STIX: Jorge takes credit cards.
SATCHEL: Jorge, your gardener?
STIX: No, no, no the coke guy.
SATCHEL: Oh, the coke guy, but he does your bushes too.
STIX: George is the gardener. He changed it to a more American name. Alright Todd, you are living your dream. How does it feel?
TODDSTAR: I love hanging out with you guys man. This is, I always wanted to be a rocker growing up and didn’t have the licks myself so…
SATCHEL: So far the relationship with us three is working out pretty good.
TODDSTAR: I’m digging it. I doubt I could take Michael’s place, but fuck it.
STIX: You can take it. We’ll give it to you bro.
TODDSTAR: Let’s talk about ‘Balls Out’ real quick. I mean the best part about this album in my opinion, is that the jokes are there, the fun is there, but you guys kept the integrity of music. Where I thought in this case the songs played a little stronger role in the process than in ‘Feel the Steel.’ Conscious effort on your guys’ part, or do you guys just do what you do?
SATCHEL: You know, we just do what we do. We fucking write songs that we think are going to be fucking great. (The tour manager walks in and hands STIX a disposable razor) Hey there’s a razor so you can shave your balls.
STIX: Thank you. I appreciate that – they’re hairy right now.
SATCHEL: He likes to shave his balls and girls that, well that’s a long story.
STIX: It’s crazy.
SATCHEL: It’s not that long of a story, but yeah, we pretty much do what we fucking do. I mean, we all have very similar tastes in music and we all like metal. We all have a lot of the same influences and we dig fucking tunes that fucking have fucking choruses and catchy parts, and catchy riffs, and for us it’s like, you know, a matter of finding a bitchin’ chorus and going from there… building a song with cool riffs.
STIX: We also, we knew that this record was, there was going to be some anticipation ‘cause of the first one. So, you know the first record is like, people aren’t waiting, aren’t expecting anything, because they don’t know and then when you drop ‘Feel The Steel’ on them, they are like “Fuck this is bitching,” you know and they totally enjoyed the fact that wasn’t all serious… all “grrrrr” like angry fucking rock, right. It’s like you put that record on and you just want to party. We knew that if we did ‘Feel The Steel Part 2,’ you know, we could’ve done that, but I think that making sure that the songs were fucking the best they can be, was the primary thing. Because you know, you could, if you write a song about pussy right, or fucking pussy…
SATCHEL: Which is natural for us.
STIX: Totally. Then write another song about fucking some pussy and it is mediocre or crappy, nobody’s gonna, then they are going to be like, “Oh, yeah, another song about fucking pussy.” But if it’s fucking bitching like our shit is, then you are going to like want to listen to it. “Dude listen to this song about pussy” instead of “another song about pussy?” It’s all in the inflection and that was the goal with “Balls Out” was to try to fucking make sure these songs were, you know, exceptional. We were up for like a fucking week straight, right?
SATCHEL: Yes. Yeah, it took a long time. At least a week straight and you know, it’s funny because there’s going to be critics that say “Oh you know what? You know we’ve heard this before. You guys did Feel The Steel. Yeah this is the same old shit, right?” But you know what? We’re gonna write about the shit that we write about, because we’re fucking Steel Panther. I mean but nobody like bagged on fucking Alice in Chains for writing songs about heroin. It’s like what they did, you know what I mean? And we write songs about partying and fucking bitches and shit and our next record is going to have songs about partying and fucking bitches too, because we’re gonna fuck more bitches and do more partying.
STIX: Did anybody say “Poison, you wrote ‘I Want Action’ but you also wrote ‘Unskinny Bop’”? No, you just went, “Dude you guys like fucking bitches.”
SATCHEL: Did anybody like, you know, when Genesis wrote “The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway” and then they came out with…
STIX: “Abacab.”
SATCHEL: “Abacab,” yeah after that, did anybody say “Gosh, you guys already had odd time signatures and yeah, what the fuck is with you guys?”
STIX: No, and none them are really in fan clubs said that because they love that shit too.
SATCHEL: I know, see they like that.
STIX: You know what I mean right? Robert Fripp, what’s up?
SATCHEL: Whoa…Robert Fripp’s in the crowd.
TODDSTAR: So what did you guys learn…?
SATCHEL: He’s got Frip Fro, his guitar solo is Frippin.
STIX: Dude, did you hear that guitar solo?
TODDSTAR: That’s the challenge; work that (Frippin) into tonight’s show.
SATCHEL: Aww, it will be in it. You know what’s funny, is like that’s kind of a compliment for a guy who’s a Gentle Giant fan or something, but for somebody seeing us, that means that your guitar solo is totally off key.
STIX: Yeah, dude totally.
SATCHEL: “Your guitar solo was pretty Frippin’ man.”
STIX: “Dude, oh, I better tune up, or practice.”
SATCHEL: “Or just find out what scale I’m fucking playing.”
TODDSTAR: What did you guys learn doing the first album that you knew going into the second album that you didn’t want to do?
STIX: Condoms work for STD’s, they just don’t feel good.
SATCHEL: And they don’t, work if you’ve already got that particular STD so…
STIX: And they don’t work if you’ve already used that condom.
SATCHEL: It’s kind of like using an umbrella if you’re scuba diving. You’re gonna get wet.
STIX: Think about it.
SATCHEL: You’re already wet; don’t even bother bringing the umbrella.
STIX: But with regards to the music and making records. Which I think is maybe what you’re…
TODDSTAR: No, fuck I’ll take any advice you’ve got for me at this point.
STIX: Okay, well seriously, condoms work but they don’t feel good.
SATCHEL: You can’t polish a turd. There, that’s a good one.
STIX: Yeah, and don’t count your chickens before they hatch is something else that we learned.
SATCHEL: Yes, don’t count your chickens, what he said.
STIX: I mean, you know, I learned…
SATCHEL: You know what, a penny saved is a penny earned.
STIX: You know it is I learned that when I’m in the studio?
SATCHEL: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
STIX: That I should never cry over spilled milk.
SATCHEL: Don’t ever cry over spilled milk, you know why? It’s a waste of time.
STIX: Six of one, half dozen of the other, dude.
SATCHEL: Yeah, well, kinda.
STIX: Every dog’s gonna have his day.
SATCHEL: Not necessarily. See I learned those things, you know there are certain things that are true that some truths are more true than other truths. And some half truths are not quite glasses that are half full, did you notice that?
STIX: I noticed that you said something. I didn’t know what it was.
SATCHEL: Yes, I could tell that you almost responded.
STIX: Yeah, I almost had a little heartbeat right there but it flatlined from the get go. You lost me at a bush.
SATCHEL: Don’t worry I’ll get you hard by the end of the set bro.
STIX: Thanks bro.
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TODDSTAR: If STIX and SATCHEL ran into the STIX and SATCHEL of 15 years ago, what advice would you give yourselves?
STIX: Fuck, I wouldn’t even give myself advice, I would give myself a fucking high five.
SATCHEL: Yes.
STIX: I wouldn’t say “Hey, you should maybe do this different, but other than getting that chick pregnant in South Dakota,” that’s the only thing I’d say is watch out for that bitch because she is gonna come after you for 15 years. That’s a whole other story, but I would say “Keep fucking doing what you’re doing dude, because you’re bringing heavy metal back. You’re part of a fucking unit that is on one fucking mission to bring fucking heavy metal back to the glow before we get fucking infiltrated by Justin Bierber-esque sort of music and fucking just keep, keep on your fucking path, bro.” That’s what I’d say to me.
SATCHEL: I would not even, I would run because if, if you see your doppelganger, you know what a doppelganger is?
STIX: Yeah.
SATCHEL: That’s cool.
STIX: Yeah. If you see your doppelganger that is, that means there’s a rip in the space-time continuum, right?
SATCHEL: And that’s why I would run like hell because that, just even me seeing my own doppelganger could rip the fabric of time apart.
STIX: All right, well what if you could call yourself?
SATCHEL: That could still rip the fabric of time apart. I don’t know if you know that.
STIX: But just for Todd, let’s imagine this. Check it out. I’m SATCHEL of 15 years ago, just pretend. Check it out. Brring. Hello?
SATCHEL: Hello?
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: Hello?
SATCHEL: Hello?
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: Hello? You go. Oh, you call me.
SATCHEL: Oh, we’re so much alike we can say anything. Hello? Is this SATCHEL? What’s up dude this is SATCHEL.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: Seriously, seriously, it’s me. Say what?
SATCHEL: Seriously, it’s me from the future dude.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: Are you kidding me right now?
SATCHEL: Dude, I wouldn’t fuck with you man, I could rip the space-time continuum.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: I know that dude. I’ve been thinking this for like the past 10 years, well, what the fuck dude?
SATCHEL: Well you’re gonna be thinking about it for like the next 15 years too.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: Obviously, what the fuck is this all about?
SATCHEL: This is about you. You need to keep rocking. You gotta change the world.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: I’m gonna change the world?
SATCHEL: Yes, and you’re gonna fuck a lot of bitches.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: Seriously?
SATCHEL: Don’t stop rocking.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: I won’t stop rocking. Anything else?
SATCHEL: No, that’s it.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: Should I cut my hair?
SATCHEL: No, of course not. Don’t ask stupid questions.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: I was second guessing myself. I was fucking like, this dude realizes it’s fucking 2006 right now, I mean 1996.
SATCHEL: What are you saying?
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: I’m saying, it’s 1996 right now. It fucking scared the hell out of me. People are cutting their hair right and left and I’m like fucking holding on for dear life and shit.
SATCHEL: Don’t worry about it. Most people are stupid.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: Fuck, you’re telling me.
SATCHEL: Don’t ever, don’t even worry about wearing condoms. Just sperm on the girls face, and she won’t get pregnant.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: Dude.
SATCHEL: Alright?
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: I’m fucking stoked you called dude. Seriously I appreciate it.
SATCHEL: I think you’re the best one, the best looking one in the band.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: Me too. Dude, fuck it. If I could see you now, I would probably think the same thing bro.
SATCHEL: Yeah, well I’m still great looking even though I am in the future.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: Fuck dude, this is the best phone call I’ve ever got bro. Thanks man.
SATCHEL: Thank you.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: Alright then.
SATCHEL: You hang up first.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: You go.
SATCHEL: O.K.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: I love you man.
SATCHEL: Love you too.
STIX AS SATCHEL 15 YEARS AGO: Alright bye.
SATCHEL: I hung up.
TODDSTAR: What a trip.
STIX: That’s what happens.
SATCHEL: That was a great conversation.
TODDSTAR: That was awesome guys. I’ll tell you what, Kevin from PFA didn’t lie. This is the best birthday present I could have got.
SATCHEL: It’s your birthday?
TODDSTAR: Two days ago.
SATCHEL: Fucking happy birthday man, awesome. Congratulations.
STIX: What are you 30? 28? 22?
TODDSTAR: Dude, I’m 42.
SATCHEL: 42 and still rocking that’s bad ass.
STIX: 42? That’s cool.
TODDSTAR: Like I said, I grew up on all the stuff that you guys do, so it’s near and dear to my heart.
SATCHEL: Think about this, if you were living, you know, like 200 years ago or even 150 years ago, you’d probably be fucking dead, 10 years in the ground.
STIX: Some sort of plague.
TODDSTAR: Great. But, thank god for modern medicine, right?
STIX: Yeah.
SATCHEL: Fuck yes.
STIX: I love modern medicine.
SATCHEL: You’ve got about another ten years in you at least.
STIX: Solid.
TODDSTAR: Must be all the medicinal stuff from twenty years ago.
SATCHEL: That’s right.
TODDSTAR: So who are some of your guys’ idols? Who are the guys that you looked up to and made you want to play an instrument?
SATCHEL: You know what, that’s the best question he has asked so far.
STIX: By far. By far, yes. For me John Bonham.
TODDSTAR: Really? Not Jason?
STIX: No. Jason’s a great drummer, but his dad was the first one.
SATCHEL: Albert Einstein.
STIX: He had a cousin named Albert Einstein, you know that?
SATCHEL: Oh, that’s who I’m talking about.
STIX: Oh yeah, no, no, no. Well, Albert Einstein was a DJ.
SATCHEL: He was?
STIX: Uh huh. A distant cousin.
SATCHEL: Well I don’t like him.
STIX: Out of New York.
SATCHEL: Who’s the guy that invented electricity?
STIX: Ben Franklin.
SATCHEL: Really? Oh, then he’s my idol, ‘cause with out that guy we would be rocking acoustic.
TODDSTAR: But you guys can rock acoustic. I’ve seen it.
SATCHEL: We can rock acoustic, but then you get way more girls that are like into acoustical type music.
STIX: Yeah, hairy arm pits.
SATCHEL: Hairy arm pitted chicks. Birkenstock sandals. Yeah it’s you know, it’s a different crowd. They eat a lot of granola; they don’t have to shower at all. If you put an acoustic song amongst other songs with guitar with distortion then it’s just a pussy drencher, but if it’s all acoustic it’s just fucking… chicks with no deodorant. Yes. Because you’re out there rocking hard and rocking people and it’s kind of like this. I created this. Like if you were a Viking, and your job was…
STIX: to rape and pillage…
SATCHEL: was raping and pillaging, and you’re out there and you’ve got a big fucking hammer or…
STIX: like Thor…
SATCHEL: sickle or sword or something and you get off the ship, you know, it’s 9 in the morning, and you’re going to work. Ship pulls up to the city. You get off the ship, and you’re clocking in, your just fucking stabbing people in the neck…
STIX: with your hammer…
SATCHEL: ripping their heads off. Well, it’s a sharp hammer. (There is a VERY loud bang from upstairs, which happens to be the stage) What the fuck was that?
STIX: Christ dude, it was a Viking.
SATCHEL: Good god the ship just pulled in. So, you know you’re fucking just killing people and taking their shit, you know and then like you rape a few chicks here and there. Then you go back to the ship and you, you know you’ve got one of your bitches up there and you’re like, you know, there’s a puppy or something and you pet the puppy. That’s, that’s like doing acoustical songs. We’re up their rocking, we’re pounding drums, and we’re fucking thrusting our crotches in people’s faces…
STIX: raping your face basically…
SATCHEL: and you bring in the acoustic out and that’s the equivalent of showing a woman, “Oh I can pet puppies. I can be nice too. I can rip your guts out, take your fucking head off with my bare Viking hands, do your grandma in front of you and then I can pet this puppy.”
STIX: I like that. That’s “I’m sensitive.”
SATCHEL: I’m soft and have a softer sensitive side. I know that was quite a long analogy.
STIX: Little bit, but look dude, I was with you the whole way. I was engaged.
SATCHEL: You didn’t fall asleep on that one?
STIX: Dude, I was in.
SATCHEL: O.K. I thought you were asleep.
STIX: I thought… I imagined you as a Nordic god.
SATCHEL: Thank you.
STIX: Just doing medieval wenches over and over just like fucking hitting people with your fist, pushing their faces in and caving them in and there’s a fucking bitching little fucking tiny little beagle.
SATCHEL: Yes.
STIX: And you’re just like, it’s a soft moment.
SATCHEL: That’s exactly what I wanted you to see.
STIX: I was like “That’s sensitive.”
SATCHEL: See. I even worked on here.
STIX: Totally.
SATCHEL: Jesus.
TODDSTAR: Cool. Listen I know you guys are busy so I will just tie you up for another second,
STIX: Dude, take your time bro. It’s your birthday.
SATCHEL: Keep on my sensitive side here.
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TODDSTAR: If there was one piece of music in the history of time that you wish you had written…
STIX: “Seventeen” by Winger.
SATCHEL: Whoa. Wow, that’s obviously something you’ve been thinking about for quite some time.
STIX: It’s sexy, um, it may not be legal, but it’s sexy.
SATCHEL: That is fun. That is very, very sexy.
STIX: Think about it.
SATCHEL: God Damn, how about “Don’t Talk to Strangers” by fucking Dio dude.
STIX: Holy shit.
SATCHEL: Either that or fucking…
TODDSTAR: You scared me. I thought you were going to say the Rick Springfield version, which kind of concerned me.
SATCHEL: No, fucking Dio dude.
STIX: “Don’t Talk To Strangers.” That’s fucking gay.
SATCHEL: Either that or fucking “Prelude in C” by Bach.
STIX: Sebastian Bach?
SATCHEL: No, Sebastian Bach didn’t write “Prelude in C.”
STIX: Oh, Johan Sebastian Bach.
SATCHEL: Yes. Sebastian Bach wrote um, uh, “18 and Life,” and
STIX: “Mudkicker.”
SATCHEL: Which is almost as sexy as “Prelude in C.”
STIX: Two of one; six of half dozen of another, if you think about it.
SATCHEL: Jeez dude, I’m not a Gentle Giant fan.
STIX: That’s an odd time fucking great… you just got Fripped.
SATCHEL: You just fucking Fripped up that fucking answer.
TODDSTAR: What’s the meaning of life?
SATCHEL: God damn, these questions keep getting better. I thought you had already peaked.
TODDSTAR: You aren’t the first person to accuse me of that.
STIX: For me, the meaning of life is to try to be, um, try to just party as hard as I can and to bring heavy metal to everybody who doesn’t have it or who had it and who lost it and make sure that everybody who loves heavy metal feels comfortable and proud to fucking fly their spandex flag. Speaking of that, I actually think that we should actually make a band flag out of spandex, I’ve been thinking that.
SATCHEL: A fucking flag out of spandex?
STIX: Uh huh, I’ve been thinking that we should be a metal nation and we should fly our own flag and it should be made out of spandex. I have a couple of girls working on one at home in LA.
SATCHEL: How did we get on the flags made out of spandex from that question?
STIX: Well, he asked what the meaning of life is. Basically in a nutshell…
SATCHEL: Oh you’re gonna just nutshell this one?
STIX: I’m gonna nutshell it dude. Dude I’m gonna fucking fuck the nut out of this shell and say bring heavy metal back and party and enjoy yourself.
SATCHEL: There you go. Yeah, that’s pretty much nutshelled right there. He just nutshelled the meaning of life in three seconds, that’s like fucking less than twelve words I think.
STIX: Yeah, who needs fucking, who needs a religion, who needs a fucking philosophy and fuck bitches.
SATCHEL: Nine words.
STIX: Nine words. I just summed up what fucking life is.
SATCHEL: And there’s three ands in there too.
STIX: Yeah, so six real words.
SATCHEL: Bring metal back and fuck bitches and party,
STIX: Right so take three of those away and you have four left.
SATCHEL: And in six words you summed up, you nutshelled the meaning of life. You usually can’t nutshell anything in that amount of space.
STIX: That’s why I play drums in Steel Panther.
SATCHEL: That’s fucking bad ass dude. That’s pretty cool because that’s the same meaning of life answer I was gonna give.
STIX: I know.
TODDSTAR: Just saved him oxygen.
STIX: See, I saved him some oxygen. I saved our plants some carbon dioxide. I’m fucking in it for the long haul.
TODDSTAR: Cool. Cool. Listen, again, I know you guys got shit to do so.
SATCHEL: You should be a cab driver, “I’m in it for the long haul.”
STIX: That would be rich, “I’m in this for the long haul.” That’s a good piece of advice. If you ever fucking get into a cab and the guy says I’m in it for the long haul, get the fuck out.
SATCHEL: Get out of the cab, right away.
TODDSTAR: Cool, cool, very cool. Well again, thank you so much for the time guys, The Rockpit loves you guys.
SATCHEL: Awesome.
TODDSTAR: We can’t wait to see you guys just take this to the next level with this tour and with this album.
SATCHEL: You might even be watching it right now. This is going to the next level.
TODDSTAR: And it doesn’t get any better than this.
SATCHEL: Hey, happy birthday.
STIX: Can we say happy birthday to you Todd? Can we say that from Steel Panther, and from STIX…
SATCHEL: and from SATCHEL…
STIX: that we really appreciate The Rockpit because you guys fucking were the first ones to get the review out and it was 4-1/2 out of 5 stars. Don’t know what happened with that other ½, bro?
SATCHEL: Dude, nobody gets 5 bro. Nobody in the history of The Rockpit has ever gotten a 5 dude.
STIX: Alright, so we got a fucking 4 ½ out of 5 and thank you very much
SATCHEL: Except for that one Winger album you mentioned.
STIX: Yeah well, “Seventeen” is a great cut.
TODDSTAR: Sexy.
STIX: It’s quite.
TODDSTAR: Cool, thanks guys.
STIX: Thanks dude
